This weekend...last year

Every year we go to Danville to visit Luther's parents on this weekend because it is his dad's birthday. I am excited to see them and go to Danville but I can't stop thinking about what happened last year and hoping and praying that nothing goes wrong this year. This is how the story goes from last year...

We just arrived in Danville on Oct 16. As we're talking with Luther's parents, Beckie (Luther's mom) tells me about her friend who had a massive heart attack and survived because whoever was with her was able to administer CPR until the ambulance came. No more than five minutes later, my dad calls. My dad was traveling to Illinois to visit his mom one last time before winter since it is too dangerous to attempt to drive to the midwest in the winter. I thought he was calling to tell me he made it to his hotel for the night but he actually told me that something had happened to my grandmother and he wasn't exactly sure what at that time but thought maybe it was a stroke or heart attack. I of course freak out inside but am able to stay calm and attempt to enjoy the time with Luther's parents. About an hour later, my dad called back to say grandma had died. No one had administered CPR which made it that much worse. I was feeling all kinds of emotions but mostly I was in denial, angry, and hurt. I couldn't believe what had happened and I felt so bad for my dad who was on his way to see her (she wasn't sick- he was just going to visit) and he didn't make it. God has his timing and it was good that my dad was on his way out. The rest of us began making flight arrangements and it was a whirlwind experience from there. I hate that my grandma is gone but I am comforted in knowing that she is with God and probably being my silly ol' grandma, sticking her tongue out at people, listening to people share their stories, and being a loving friend. Grandma and I became extra close when I was in college and I thought of her as one of my best friends. We had our weekly phone calls (always after gilmore girls to talk about what had happened) and I learned a lot about her during those years. I am really thankful that I was able to form such a close bond with her despite being 15 hours away. It's hard losing a loved one at any time but that was my first real experience losing someone so close to me. It is also hard to go through the same motions of packing for Danville tonight while knowing that I'm spending my weekend the same way I had planned to spend it last year. I'm sure it won't be easy but I have to remember that God has a reason for everything and even though I thought it was too early, God wanted my grandma to be with him at that time. I miss her every day and I even as I type this I am looking at our last picture we ever took together as it sits beside my computer. I hope that she is looking down above and still telling me I'm crazy for working so hard in college and happy that I found love at such an early age. I still feel like she's here with me and I'm thankful to God for blessing me with such an amazing, Christian grandmother. And although almost a year has passed, I feel the hurt just as raw as that night my dad called me. I can only pray to God for his continued comfort and give praise to Him for the time we had together and for the amazing job my grandmother did in raising my dad. If she wouldn't have been the awesome person she was, my dad would not be the amazing father that he is. I am truly blessed!

When grandma and I would talk, she would talk to me about things that were bothering her. One time I mailed her the lyrics to this song and after that, she always talked about how true those lyrics were to her and how much she appreciated having them. I'll post them below and hope they bring comfort to whoever is reading this in a difficult time.

Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down 
and wiped our tears away, 
stepped in and saved the day. 
But once again, I say amen 
and it's still raining 
as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain, 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away. 

Chorus: 
And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm 

I remember when I stumbled in the wind 
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again 
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on 
if I can't find You 
and as the thunder rolls 
I barely hear You whisper through the rain 
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls 
I raise my hands and praise 
the God who gives and takes away 

Chorus 

I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth 
I lift my eyes onto the hills 
where does my help come from? 
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth